Working Through My Grief

For the first time in I don’t know how long I woke up with a light heart, a smile, feeling happy and ready to embrace my day!

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Mantra

Face Your Fears, Trust the Journey

My journey began 21 months ago, well, to be honest, a bit before that, but that’s when my life changed, the rug was pulled out, I passed out on the emergency room floor, “Come grow old with me, the best is yet to be” printed on our wedding invitation was not going to be.

I remember going to Richard’s primary doctor after his diagnosis. I made an appointment for the both of us. I was prescribed Ativan and Lexapro to help ease the monkey mind and take the edge off. I was hesitant. I am one that does not like to take medications. After discussion with the doctor, close friends and family who have also taken these meds I said okay BUT I knew that I needed more. I needed a spiritual tool kit.

I signed up for a Stress Management class offered through Sutter Health. I looked into Energy Healing and found a wonderful mentor, Naomi. I found many guides to help me on my path through online groups. I should probably expand on those but I’ll be honest, I’m lazy, ha ha, that’s too much to document but I do post about my groups here on this blog. I learned to pray differently. My relationship with my truth teller, God, changed.

I am healing and growing AND I am no longer taking the medications prescribed for me! They helped get me through those sleepless nights, calm down the anxiety. I knew it was time to wean myself off of them, that I have my spiritual tool belt and guides and my tribe to lean on.

BUT my new tools some may consider woo-woo so I was not sharing. People would say to me, wow, you are so strong, you are doing so well and I wanted to share why but I held back, I wasn’t speaking my truth, my voice.

Slowly I started stepping into my own, my voice, thus this blog. But I wasn’t posting much, still hiding. What are you afraid of?!?!? That family and friends may judge me?!

Those old beliefs and patterns are binding, they don’t allow us to grow and be the person we are meant to be.

This week, after the Fly Free Retreat, I took the first step in sharing my voice, posting on my personal FB page.

Part of my path is I want YOU to be who you are meant to be. How can I do that if I don’t share!?!?!

Face YOUR fears, TRUST the JOURNEY!!!




Fly Free Retreat

What a WONDERFUL weekend I spent with my Soul Sisters!! Fly Free Retreat was hosted by Shannon and Sandi of Soul Chicks and Kolleen Harrison

The retreat started with being greeted outside as I drove up! The personal touches meant so much. From the moment I stepped out of the car “real” life took a backseat and I was incased in a love bubble (soul chick speak)

Friday started off with an amazing dinner with views of the vineyard where strangers quickly became old friends. Our day began on Saturday with mindful yoga, followed by journaling, soul searching, sharing and witnessing. Our beautiful retreat came to an end on Sunday morning with a great breakfast, hugs and tears, our hearts full and a bonding of soul sistars that will not be broken!

If you want to be part of this sisterhood and restore yourself please visit Soul Chicks page to learn more about Shannon and Sandi and sign up for their newsletter!

I’ll let the pictures speak for the weekend . . . . .



Who Am I

I am a daughter of Frank and Julia

I am a sister

I am an aunt, a great aunt and a great-great aunt

I am a widow

I am a friend

those are the first things that come to mind BUT those are LABELS!

I AM so much more than that.

I am a gift from God

I am funny

I am strong

I am smart enough

I am good enough

I am worthy

I am loved

I am YOU and YOU are me

And what I just learned is

I am a free spirit that has been struggling to show herself but FEAR clipped my wings a long, long time ago.

Would I have spread my wings I would have been a Renaissance Woman, a photographer traveling the world, a writer, a healer, an artist living abroad.

I am not going to say I’m too old.

I am going to say

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I am growing my wings

I will fly free

I Stay Open

This month in my Sister Hive group we worked with the feminine, the masculine and the two as one. When I combined the feminine and masculine it was just one HOT mess.

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I let it sit. No judgment.

Then I was called to add some swirls and look what emerged! Birth!!!

Today I read Virigina Rosenberg's astrology report for Scorpio! OMG something beautiful and lasting will grow from this!!!!! And I embrace vulnerability and allow myself to awaken! TRUST has been my inquiry, show me how to TRUST!!!!! 

My masculine side has ruled me my entire life. The feminine side every so often pushes her way through but quickly recedes. This week after my energy healing my left side has been bothering me, I even had my first migraine/tension headache. My feminine side has been showing herself more and more, the merging of the two is commencing!

Scorpio: I stay open. 

New beginnings in relationships that are rooted in truth. People are bringing me messages, and I am listening with rapt attention. We are exchanging real words. I soften my defenses. I embrace vulnerability and allow myself to awaken. Something beautiful and lasting will grow from this.

Soulful Affirmation Cards

What a beautiful day we had!! My first time guiding my sisters in releasing their limiting beliefs and turning them into affirmations! I can’t wait to hold space for you! I will be leading this session again. Please sign up for my newsletter to find out when it will be held next!

Dreams

In my journaling and meditations I often receive messages of DANCE and LISTEN. This has been going on for quite some time.

I get the “LISTEN” but the “DANCE” not so much, perhaps freedom, flow.

If anyone reading this is a dream interpreter, I would love to hear your insight.

Last night I dreamt I was auditioning for something taking place at a college or some sort of game, probably football. Some family members were with me. I declined the first time. The second time I was told I had to as the person who was going to do the part was unavailable.

I was alone in a square room. I was told to listen for the word dance. When I heard “dance” someone would come into the room and for me to be prepared to be asked to dance. I walked around the room “listening”. I could hear people walking by, talking, lots of action but did not hear the word dance.

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Dance is the language of the soul

I’m not sure how I knew, maybe all the commotion outside the room stopped, but I knew the scene was over. I walked out of the room and coming towards me was the director, he told me I did good, could have done a couple of things differently in the act of listening, but overall good job, and he started saying dance, dance, dance and then I notice who he was talking to, Dance was a dog.

One Day At A Time

Such a popular saying and one I have been saying continuously for the last two years but until just now I never realized what it really meant.

Yesterday was a bad day. I lost heart, I lost faith for a moment, I was really angry. I took Sophie to the vet for what I thought was an abscess, it’s on the outside of her body on her belly. The Vet thought that was all it was as well but wanted to take a needle aspiration just to be sure. He was gone longer than I anticipated and I knew, just knew that was not a good sign. The minute he walked in the door it was like reliving the day the emergency doctor came back in the room and sat down on the chair and told Richard and I what he had found.

It’s a mast cell tumor. The Vet was surprised, not what he expected, I’m so sorry. As Sophie is 9 and has had two major surgeries already I am not going to have her put under and do another major surgery. Dr. Finn will do a local and “snip” off the growth. He said he can have it graded so I will know. That’s fine. I won’t do anything different. Quality of life, not quantity.

On the drive home I’m screaming, NO, YOU took my husband to cancer in October, YOU are not taking my Sophie, she is my lifeline. I lost my spiritual toolkit. The things that calm me down, bring me peace, ground me. I couldn’t concentrate. I was crying but had to hide it because I didn’t want Sophie cluing in on my emotions. Surprisingly I slept really, well maybe not surprisingly, as I did ask for help, guidance and the Ho’oponopono prayer before going to bed.


Today was a busy day, two zoom calls and one business call. No time to really think. Day filled with meditation, inspiration, feeling hopeful, checking in with friends and snuggling on the couch by the fire with Sophie while listening to the thunder roar. The despair from yesterday was just a memory. I have no doubt Sophie and I have lots of time to spend together, more car rides and new adventures.

It is amazing how one day at a time can make a difference. I had time to reflect on my emotions from the day before, YES, I do not like the diagnosis but today I was able to see that I was reliving August 6th, 2017. Once I had a clear mind I felt more optimistic about Sophie, the gloom and doom behind me. Keeping a positive attitude and even did some energy healing on her. She’ll have the tumor removed on March 22nd, in and out procedure, I’ll take her through the Starbuck’s drive-thru (they always comment on what a beautiful girl she is and she loves the attention) and order her a pupa-chino (she loves those and it is a big treat) and then we will continue on, one day at a time.

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